Happy Performance Weekend.
I have had so much time to reflect and think about the time I did have with my actors and my crew. I can't possibly dwell on the bad news for too long when I know in my heart that we weren't just working on the production for the applause at the end of it all. I can't speak for everyone of course, but I feel as though the students who had signed up to be involved with a play I wrote and rehearsals I was leading have taken away something from this process, even if it was cut short. I am so lucky for every second I had during this production. And I think the best part of it all is that those seconds are never truly going to stop. I have so many memories that I can think back to that instantly put a smile on my face and cherish each one so much since not everyone is allowed an opportunity like the one I was given.
Even now, a little over a month after our last rehearsal that included every member of my production, I am receiving comments or reminders from others or just random flashbacks that remind me how much of an impact this process has made on my life. Sometimes it's something I hear that reminds me of a certain quote from the show or sometimes it's my actor reaching out to me to just ask me how I am doing or even just looking back at old photos or blog posts. I hope I never lose this feeling of pure joy that I get whenever I think back to the rehearsal days when we still had no idea what was heading our way. I've been told that I have been handling the news well or that I am so strong for not getting too upset about never having an opening night, but the truth is, I can never be sad for too long. I don't want to act like it didn't hurt when I first heard the finality and unavoidable truth that the performances had to be canceled because that is another feeling I will never forget. That pain in my chest, that lump in my stomach, that tightness of my throat. Everything just kind of sat there, but as I've said, I can't let it get to me. There was and still is so much good that comes from The Love Star. So, with that being said, happy performance weekend!
Earlier today I encouraged my cast to join me in a zoom call just for an hour or so to talk. I have been talking to each of them here and there, but it's been too long since the last full cast meet-up. I was smiling throughout because I was able to reconnect with these 8 that I had spent so much of my time and energy earlier this year to bond with. It didn't take long for them to start talking like the good old days. We all had the same mindset of feeling sad, but also thankful for what we had and how friendships like these don't just go away. As you might have assumed, there is no video recording of the play, but the full script is available so please do take a look at that if you have any interest! Thank you for reading and I will be happy to post again if anything related to The Love Star does come up, but until then, I leave you with the quote of the week.
"I am happy with my past, my present, and my future. All three are miraculous building blocking of my beloved, wonderful life." ~ Robert Muller
It's okay.
This week started like any other. Writing in my red notebook about how I want the night's rehearsal to go and think of any potential questions or concerns that may come up, but I don't think any amounts of preparation could prepare me for what was coming. I had an amazing time at rehearsal with my full cast and crew. My stage manager, Sam Collette was able to show off her true talent and put our motivated crew to work! My actors were ready to perform like they always are and continue to impress me with their willingness to work on a show that I wrote. Life was so good, and it still is, but it's hard to look back on that time when we were just so unaware of the future.
Once Wednesday approached, the panic and chaos was upon us. The president sent out an email stating that our spring break will be extended for another week. I wouldn't let that influence my attitude though. Yes, we would be missing two rehearsals, but we still had plenty of time to accomplish a lot so my plan going forward was to address the stress and understand if actors/crew didn't feel safe to go to rehearsal, but otherwise, we were going to push through and keep on working. Wednesday's rehearsal was so hard. I had another amazing time and enjoyed every second of it. But I feel the need to make a long speech emphasizing to not let this define the connections and friendships we've made along the way. Although I still had some hope that this wasn't the last time we'd all be together, it was still hard to ignore the huge metaphorical rain cloud approaching us.
I had to start my morning on Friday with a meeting with someone who was going to tell us the future of our shows. Nervous and stressed is an understatement. I couldn't let myself get too upset before heading into the meeting because I just didn't know, but at the same time, I couldn't let myself get too optimistic because I just didn't know. As you know by now, the news was not what we were hoping for. We were grasping onto any possibility, any alternative, anything to allow us to still have our shows in a month. He looked so unhopeful and so devasted for us, and I keep on wondering if there is any other way that we aren't seeing.
A lot of my friends and family tell me to just push the production back until the fall. But there are so many complications in that, not only as an organization but for me personally. I have such an academically stressful semester coming up and I don't want to overwhelm myself. As amazing as directing is, it's a lot of work and I don't know if I can put myself in that position with my schoolwork also being so demanding. Also, Hilltop is all about encouraging people to go out of their comfort zones, and directing was that for me and now that I've had my chance, even if it didn't end properly, I don't want to take that opportunity away from someone else. So my tentative solution is if we do end up returning to campus in two weeks, no one can stop us from continuing rehearsals. Although we might not have an audience or fundraisers on April 16th, we could still potentially put on a show without an audience and record the whole show and share that video with the world. That is the best-case scenario at this point, but even that is very up in the air.
No one knows where this stupid virus is heading and there's a very strong possibility FSU won't let anyone back on campus and resort to online classes for the remainder of the semester. If that's the case, The Love Star will be officially over... or will it? The Love Star started as an idea, which then turned into a rough draft, into more drafts and then finally a final script. That script was proposed to be a Hilltop Players Production. That potential proposal turned into a reality and that production was to be performed in April. But it's more than that. The Love Star turned into a family. From every crew member to every person in the cast, we are a family. And no matter how much I did plan, I could have never created the connections that were made. That's because of every single unique and incredible person in my production. Despite my hours and hours spent on this project, this was not what I expected to be typing out the week before spring break. I have had my anger and sadness and frustration all come out in these past couple of days, but I know, now more than ever that it's okay.
As I said, The Love Star family will never die, even if we cannot perform, which is what we have been working so hard for. After sending them the sad news, I asked that they respond with their favorite part of the production and that is what makes all of the pain a little less painful. So many responses included what I've discussed. A lot mentioned new friends being made or that the community they felt while at rehearsal or just an overall positive note about what they learned throughout the process. I am still not really accepting the devasting fact, but I cannot ignore the happiness I have gained from this experience. I have learned more than I expected, I have done more than I expected and I have loved more than expected. The quote for this week speaks for itself. As I wrote in my first ever blog post, way back in October, I hope this is not the last you hear from me. Please send some positive vibes to everyone in this family and keep an eye out for a script (or if we are lucky a video) in the next couple of weeks!
Fun is done, but the Stress has just begun
So this week was definitely the most fun and the least productive, but that's okay because I expected it to be that way. I planned since the very beginning to have a game night with my cast and crew, which was supposed to just be fun and have no stress involved. So that was on Wednesday. As for Monday, there was an improv (Suit Jacket Posse) show, which I felt like we should go support, given that 3 of my actors are involved with it. Meaning, I would be lying if I said that this week was stressful.
I even contacted two of my actors and asked if they wanted to run their scenes before we headed down to the show and they both said yes. It was so nice to sit down with them and answer any questions that they might have had and reinforce the work we've already done. The show was so fun and I loved just being able to laugh at my goofy friends and relax for a night. I didn't even think about all of the things we could have been doing with the time because it was so great.
Wednesday was the same and I am so grateful that my cast and crew entertained me by bringing their own games and actually having a good time! Not everyone showed up, but I didn't expect them to so the people that were there were ready for fun. I learned new games, got a little bit too competitive, and played one of my all-time favorite card games and I couldn't have been happier. The best part was looking around the room and watching everyone around me having a good time too. I want to do another night like that one if we have the time for it, but looking forward, we might not.
Heading into this week, I have a lot on my mind. 8 more rehearsals until tech week. Less than 30 hours of rehearsal time. I just can't even fathom how quickly time has escaped from me. I know what I need to do, I know what I need from my actors, and I know what we can do to get to a good place. I am optimistically looking forward and excited about the next phase of production. Once we come back from spring break, the foundation (blocking, character work, lines, etc.) will be complete and it's all about implementing props, costumes and lights/sounds eventually. The fun is done, but the stress has just begun.
But I need to listen to the quote for this week. This week was a great example of just enjoying life when it happens and not worrying about everything that is ahead. I had so much fun to just be in the moment, which does not happen enough. Even when I tend to look to the future in a positive light, it's taking away from the present. I need to take life hour by hour and appreciate all that it offers or else it will continue to blow past me. I am so excited for what's coming, but more importantly, what's right around the corner. Until next time!
"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are" ~ Bill Watterson
One heck of a happy ending
I am not going to lie, this week was difficult. I didn't decide to write weekly blogs for the sole purpose of sharing the positive parts of the process; it's just been very smooth up until this point. I want to look back on what I wrote and reflect on what happened, whether it's good or not so good. That being said, I was overwhelmed, stressed, and disappointed throughout this whole week, but after yesterday, I think it's all going to be okay and although this week wasn't the best, there are still so many more to look forward to.
To begin the week, I only required two characters to be called to rehearsal on Monday and I set very high expectations of my actors, which I think led to how I felt afterward. These two characters have an interesting connection because although they end up a couple at the end of the play, it was not an easy road to get there. Without spoiling too much, I made an effort to make these two similar in how they go about their life and in the end, the audience will be so satisfied when they finally get together. And so, my goal for Monday was to work with both actors and obviously review the scenes that they are in together, but more importantly, have them think about their characters' choices even when not interacting with one another. Overall, the night went well, but I still felt like something was missing.
The first conflict as a director I anticipated and now, experienced is finding the balance between giving your actors directions on how to go about their character versus giving your actors freedom to choose how they go about their character. 99 times out of 100 I would say start by providing your actor with your point of view and they have the right to interpret everything else from there (and asking questions if needed). However, this 1 time, I think it's a little bit different. I wrote this play. I wrote each character with such meaning and purpose that it's very difficult to give my opinion and watch an actor choose a different path. I don't want to limit their creativity by any means, but when it's a character that is so near and dear to my heart, it's hard to let it pass. So, Monday was good, and I am happy with what we accomplished, but I hope my actors know that we still have some work to do.
Wednesday brought up another conflict that I knew was going to a problem as soon as I decided to direct. If you are a leader in any way, you know that determining your overall style is crucial. Let me explain. I am generally a positive guy and like to see the best in people. So, my leadership style consists of a lot of validation, thank yous, and smiles, and that works... most of the time. I love my cast with all of my heart and I don't feel like it's my place to tell them that they are getting off track by talking to one another, but there's a first time for everything. I sat down with my full cast on Wednesday and explained to them how much I want them to connect and bond as actors, but we are around the halfway point and I am getting worried that the time spent on correcting their behavior is piling up and taking away from my time that I want to spend developing my play.
I was stressed, to say the least, to talk about this subject, but I summoned the courage since I couldn't let feeling this walk all over me. After that was all said and done, I didn't see much of a difference in my actors' behavior honestly and I blame myself partly because I didn't follow through. I said what I needed to say, but fell right back into my push-over, "it's okay" type attitude, which I realized will only get me so far. I, by no means, want to act rude to my actors, but I think I need to be a little more assertive and remember why I am doing what I am doing. I want to share my play with everyone who decides to watch it in April and I want it to be the best it can be and I can't achieve that unless I do what I want to do. I hope my actors respect my decisions, but more importantly, respect me and use our rehearsal time wisely. Ok, I know this is a longer blog post, but don't worry, this week has one heck of a happy ending.
Last night was the third annual Hilltop Players Cabaret and a lot happened that made me realize I still do love my cast and I know that they will never let me down. My wonderful producer, Jenna Topping put together a packet titled "Love Notes to Alex from the Stars of The Love Star", which consisted of individualized notes from each of my cast members that reminded me that we all share one goal. We all want to put on one great show and I am hoping they trust me and themselves to do that. Then at the actual event, I watch 5 out of my 8 cast members perform in different ways. From hosting to improv to singing, they are all so talented in their own way and I feel grateful that they are a part of my show. Even to those that weren't performing, I appreciate them too in their own ways. I will be shocked if anyone actually reads this blog post all the way through, but for me, I just need to remind myself of this crazy week. The quote couldn't be more accurate. I have forgiven my actors for how they have behaved, but I cannot forget what I need to do to follow through and hopefully, they will reciprocate. I have made mistakes, but it's okay, I think I know how to learn from them. I am excited and more hopeful for the future, now more than ever. Until next time!
"You have to take the good with the bad, smile when you're sad, love what you've got and remember what you had... Always forgive but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret." ~ Joel Osteen
The Push I Needed
Originality is something I consistently strive for and as I've said, I am so extremely thankful to have been given this opportunity to do my own thing. It almost seems normal right now for me to lead rehearsals, direct several people on how to portray characters I created and even just buying a certain prop that I hoped for, but it wasn't always like that. I still remember the autumn night that I was walking back to my dorm with my friend and I brought up having the slightest inclination to direct someday, not really expecting anything to develop. However, my friend was not about to let me say something like that and not react to it. She was so excited for me already even though it was just an idea with very little reasoning behind it. That's when I knew that this seemingly impossible idea could potentially be a far-fetched goal.
With classes, an off-campus job, and the current musical production I was working on, my excitement of directing sort of died down, but after a couple of months, I had a new, potentially crazy idea. One year ago, I posted a poll on Facebook with no context: Ambitious goal vs realistic goal. My intention was to start researching potential plays that would be good for Hilltop, but even before I did that, the thought popped into my head of writing a play. Of course, a decision wouldn't be right without the pros and cons. Pros included: I would know the show really well, I could make it right for the organization and of course, my motivation would be through the roof to make it the best it can be. Cons included: no one would know the story except for me, it's not guaranteed that people would like my writing, I might not have the creative capacity to do a big project like this one. So, to avoid the decision, I went to Facebook. The final vote was closer than I expected, but it was still in favor of the ambitious goal, which gave the inspiration I needed.
I am honestly so curious to see what past me would have done if realistic goal did end up winning because deep deep deep down, I knew I wanted to write a play. Once I had the idea, there was no turning back. So, during spring break of my sophomore year, I started writing. Anything related to the story I wanted to convey I typed in a word document, even if it didn't connect to anything else. I had some funny plot points, some more serious, some that were eventually not going to work, some that were just stupid after reviewing it. Before I knew it, I started to come up with scene ideas and specific themes I wanted to portray. Although the characters were one of the last things I settled on, I had an outline of 2 acts with 8 scenes each and a very short summary of what I wanted to happen in each. Slowly but surely, I started naming characters and relationships started to form. I remember some days I would just be sitting on my bed, typing effortlessly non-stop, laughing occasionally and having such a great time. I always tell anyone who will listen I would only write when I had the urge to do so. Never would it be a chore or a burden; I wanted to be something I loved doing and if I didn't feel like writing it, I wouldn't. It turned out that was for the best and really made the process a lot more enjoyable.
It wasn't until the end of July until I had the first draft and I couldn't be more relieved. Each scene's end led to another's beginning and if one problem was solved, another would pop up in its place. I was so happy, I had written a script that I firmly believed at the time would have been what I submitted to the Proposal Committee. Although the main story stayed very similar, I was constantly making changes towards the end of the summer. There wasn't one time while proofreading that I didn't add a line or create a new situation because I believed that there was always so much room for improvement. As proposal season approached, I had to start the physical proposal, which was odd because I was preparing for my script to leave my brain and into the hands of several friends. I am still making revisions to the script as we rehearse, but I still don't regret for a second posting that poll on Facebook one year ago. I don't know if I believe that I wouldn't be writing this if the majority voted the other way, but I do believe that the result was the push I needed.
I know I didn't mention anything about the rehearsal for this week, but I felt like I had to reminisce about how different my life was a year ago. In some ways, it feels like I just started writing this play, but in others, it doesn't even seem like the same lifetime. I had a great time at Wednesday's rehearsal as always and it made me want to reflect on how lucky I truly am to be doing something like this because it makes me smile more than anything else. The quote for this week couldn't describe my mindset more and I feel as though I am learning more about what I am capable of every day. I do not want this experience to end and I know I still have a little less than two months left, but I can't stop thinking about the final bow in April approaching ever so quickly. I just have to remind myself to keep moving forward, expanding my comfort zone little by little and I will hopefully have many more life-changing experiences throughout my life that make me feel like this. Until next time!
"You have to set goals that are almost out of reach. If you set a goal that is attainable without much work or thought, you are stuck with something below your true talent and potential." ~ Steve Garvey
Naturally
Another week, another blog post! When I first came up with this idea to post every single week, I had a small worry that I wasn't going to have enough to write about, but I am always shocked about how much I have to say every Friday. This week was just like the rest of them in the sense that I love directing and I love my cast and crew, but there was a new feeling that I am not used to. Just a few weeks ago, I wrote about how I had way too many directions to give out because if I didn't, the actors would have had no idea what to do. After this week, my whole mindset flipped upside down.
Monday started with a small rehearsal of three actors, which was great, but not for the reasons I expected. From the beginning of this process, I knew that one of my priorities should be giving my cast time to bond and get to know each other. That way, they feel more than comfortable acting and trying new things without the insecurity of not knowing their fellow actors that well. So, Monday's plan was to run through a couple of scenes with these three women, but what was so shocking is that the connection and bond between the three was almost instant. I had a warmup planned that didn't really go as I wanted, but that doesn't mean I stopped doing it and just start to work on the scenes. And that's because they were just having a conversation, laughing, and having a good time. Throughout the night, they may have gotten side-tracked or told a story that was vaguely related to what we were doing and normally, that would bother me. But it didn't.
Two of the actors that I called are cast as Sophie and Zoey, who are lifelong best friends who love each other very much. Going into this production, these two actors knew each other, but as far as I know, the conversation that they had (with me and Jenna contributing here and there) was the most they have connected so far. My main objective of the night was to get that chemistry that came up so effortlessly between the scenes and implement it into the play. We ran through each short scene 2 or 3 times, but I knew we didn't need to work on them that much because the part I was afraid of was easier than I could have ever imagined. It was so heart-warming to see these two friends bond with no work done on my end and I already know how well it will translate to their performance.
Wednesday blew past my expectations in a different way. One of my pet peeves in a show is when actors don't know they have to always be doing something in character while on stage. Even if there is no reason for an audience member to be looking at a character who isn't speaking, I want all of my actors to be acting between their lines. I decided to spend the rehearsal's time on Wednesday to just run through as much as we could and just see how everyone was responding to my previous directions and suggestions. I could not believe how much was happening without me getting involved. 1) Actors were so focused and in character throughout! 2) At some points, I saw actors looking up from their script, which shows that they have been putting in the time to get off-book! 3) I actually saw some character development and even though I had notes, it was all deeper and harder to grasp directions! I felt so good about the work that we have all done to get to this point and I had to remind myself that we still have more than 2 months until opening night. As always, there will be some things that I have to mention and directly make sure that they happen, but not for everything like I originally thought. My new favorite thing is just to sit back and watch new things develop naturally.
It would impossible to create relationships if it wasn't for all of the work and open-mindedness of every person in my cast. Forcing two or more people to be friends would never work, which is why I think it is so fascinating that it tends to just happen on its own. As the quote for this week implies, life (or in this case, my play) will work out even if I am not constantly trying to be in control of everything. I need to just let things happen and as my good friend (who may or may not be a character in the show) would say go with the flow. Words cannot express how amazing it is watching my actors not only perform their best but also have fun and enjoy what they do with one another, I cannot watch them grow and develop even more. I hope I will never forget this feeling, it's a good one. Until next time!
"You can't control everything. Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and just let life happen." ~ Kody Keplinger
Until Now
This week was fun. It allowed me to do something that I have always loved to do, but I never was fully able to since I was never the director. For years, I have had always been obsessed with good actors being able to change the delivery of their lines based on what the director would tell them, but what's even more impressive is a director giving the right direction to the actor to produce what the audience sees. If you're confused about what I am trying to say, I apologize, I am constantly struggling with putting this experience into words. As simple as I can put it, actors are amazing because they can interpret a character's lines in one way, but what makes them even better is when they change their original thought because of what a director says. But what makes the actor able to change their thought comes from the director, which in my show, is me.
If you ever caught a glimpse of what my rehearsal schedule looks like, February is a month of calling some actors, but not everyone and I did that on purpose. I have some days where I only need 2 people just because I don't want anyone to be a potential distraction if they don't have to be. And since my goal for this play isn't just to tell my actors when to walk or sit or articulate, I needed more individual time with each one. I want my actors to fully comprehend every line and decision their character makes and as I have discovered, some are already doing a really good job of it!
On Monday, I did call 7 out of the 8 actors, but we only did what involved all of them at once and if there is a part of a scene that involves two characters, I made a mental note to come back to it. If you are unfamiliar with the show's premise, there are 5 students who are all high school seniors with the same class schedule and their teacher makes her around, to say the least. A lot of what I saw was what I envisioned, but there were also some things I had to question. My hope was that if I use the character's name and use second-person pronouns, it will cement the character's objectives, rather than the actor's. It felt weird to have so much control over them and for some of the things I said, I had no idea if they actually obtained it. But then they did the scene again. It was like watching a brand new scene. As I said, actors are amazing.
Wednesday was arguably even better. The only people I wanted were my main character with his mom and his sister. When I wrote this story, I was constantly thinking of how similar I want this little family to be, but also how to make them different. As you will see in April, they all have different ways of going about their life, but in the end, they all come together and love each other. I received one of the nicest messages from one of my actors after that rehearsal and it really made me realize how much I do. I am never one to brag or draw attention to myself; I just like to do my job, do it well, make me people smile along the way and that's all I usually need. However, as you probably know, I am always fearful of change or uncertainty, and that's what this experience is so I haven't really taken the time to appreciate what I have accomplished already. Until now.
The text I received combined with a recent conversation I had with a friend of mine who was pleasantly shocked when he found that I wrote my own play, soon to be performed on a stage. I would be lying if I said I wasn't proud of myself. It has been a long process to write this play and get it approved and everything, which was something I will never discredit, but something I have to remind myself is how nervous I was to start directing a couple of short weeks ago. Don't get me wrong, I am still constantly facing little bumps in the fear department and I think that's why this quote of the week spoke to me so much. After every rehearsal, I have felt more and more accomplished and like I am where I am supposed to be. I am used to not giving myself enough recognition and it's time to change that. To be clear, that doesn't mean I will change who I am and start bragging all over the place. I just need to reflect on each experience I have the privilege of doing. Little obstacles to me may not be so little to someone looking in from the outside. Even if I didn't think I was capable at first or that I am not doing a good job, I need to appreciate now and forever. Until next time!
"You gain strength and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
One Thing at a Time
Life is weird. I knew that going into this experience, but about a week into it makes the word unpredictable sound like not enough. The first two rehearsals of The Love Star are over and there's absolutely nothing I can change about them now. There are no words that would express my inner feelings throughout the two nights because it was truly all over the place. Now that I have experience being in the director position, I can actually say this without just assuming based on observation: directing is a lot of work. Not to worry, I still love it and cannot wait to continue, but as I will get into, I left both Monday and Wednesday's rehearsal feeling exhausted and I wish I was exaggerating.
I wanted my full cast and crew, which is 23 people, all there to get acquainted with one another, but more importantly, it was my opportunity to make my expectations very clear and let me tell you, there were a lot of expectations. As a future teacher and someone who doesn't deal with unprofessionalism well, I was hoping to limit anything that may hinder productivity by unloading everything that I had to say all in a couple of hours. We played games to separate the probable boredom, but nothing was going to stop me from talking about what I believe needed to be said. Anything from my quiet coyote tactic to passing out rehearsal calendars, I covered it. Then, after what seemed like days, I was able to start our read-through. Although I had a pit in my stomach that I threw way too much information at my poor cast and crew, I knew it had to be done. I am praying that they understood my perspective and know that I am just trying to make it the most organized and communicative as it can be.
The read-through blew past my expectations and I couldn't contain my happiness. All of the words that I have worked so hard on were being read out loud by the same actors that will be acting them out for this whole process. And best of all, there was laughter! I always told my friends and family that my writing is my kind of humor and I have no idea if it will translate well to the public, but I guess I was wrong because there were many times throughout the night that laughter ran through the auditorium! I wish I could bottle up my happiness at that moment and keep it with me when the stress comes along. We ended on the saddest scene in the whole show, but as mentioned in my expectations, I don't want to hold my actors later than 10:00, and time was not in our favor. And just like I thought, my first rehearsal ended before I could even think about it.
Wednesday was a whole different story. I only required my 8 actors to attend so it made it a little easier to handle and my insecurity of being judged was definitely not as strong. Not gone completely though. We started to block the show and that was another experience I have never done and it was insane doing it. I felt like I was overstepping and even getting annoyed with myself at one point. It's so weird having such a vivid picture of what you want your actors to do at a certain point and them not just doing it. I had to constantly remind myself that if I let the scene run on, the actors would most likely not move because they obviously can't read my mind. I am looking forward to the opening night more than ever, but this past week really opened my eyes even wider of how truly difficult this process will be. But that isn't a problem. If this was an easy process, I would not be as proud as I will be in a few short months. I know that in the long run, everything I have done, everything my actors and crew have learned will all be worth it, but until the terrifyingly anticipated day of April 16th arrives, I will just have to tackle one thing at a time.
Before I end this post, I have to make it extremely clear that I believe deep down that everything will work out in the end, I really do, but for some odd reason, doubt and uncertainty cover up the optimism. I can't help but think that I could be doing things better or more efficiently or maybe even giving my actors more of an opportunity to do their own thing. But, as I mentioned earlier, a vivid picture has been in my head for months and if I don't have the confidence to share it, that picture will stay in my head forever The quote for this week leads me to logically think through how ambitious this goal was in the first place. My dream since last year has been to put my original play on a stage and I would be lying to everyone if I thought it could just happen on its own. I can't give up, no matter how apprehensive I am to make a new decision or how annoying I feel when talking to my cast/crew. All of us will have to stay motivated through what seems impossible to make my dream into a reality. Until next time!
"A dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination, and hard work" ~ Colin Powell
Unexpectedly Expected
Auditions are over. January 22, 2020, has become history and I have still not fully accepted it. I have had a couple of people ask me how they went and all I can tell them is that it went well. And that's because they did. I have never experienced so many different emotions in one night but I still enjoyed every minute of it, even if it might not have seemed like it at the time.
It started like any other audition, getting there earlier than any other actor to set up and mentally prepare myself for what was about to happen. To my surprise, as I was putting up the audition sign up sheet, three people were behind me, anxiously waiting for me to be done. The next hour or so was full of pacing, sighing, and stressing. More and more people arrived that I didn't even expect to be there in the first place. I felt so accomplished that there were people who put their trust into my play, not knowing anything about it, but at the same time, there were 21 people all eager and all expecting a role. That meant out of these 21 excited people who looked up to me in this situation, 13 of them were about to be disappointed. As much as I truly do believe that the backstage crew is just as important as acting, some of the auditioners would disagree. I was pleasantly surprised by how close to 6:30 we were actually able to start since I guess everyone understood that I wanted to start on time.
Once I started talking to all of the actors, there was no going back. I had started the auditions and there was nothing that would stop it. One by one, each person walked in, did their monologue and walked out. When I say that each audition was great, that doesn't sound like I am sincere, but I truly do mean that because it made the whole process a lot harder. Everyone who came through the doors brought a level of acting I didn't know some of them had. Once they were all over with, I had my first big decision to make and it wasn't an easy one: who was going to be called back and who wasn't. There was not one person that I knew what to do with confidence and it felt like it would never end.
Callbacks were a whole different story. I have been prepared for this day for months, but now that there were people waiting for me and only me to make the next move, I panicked. According to outside sources, I seemed to have it under control, but to me, it was a whirlwind of chaos. Never have I been happier than when I heard part of my script being read out loud by real humans. It was a feeling I will never forget. I didn't want to end because I knew what was coming. The casting.
I hate decisions in fear that it will result in something unexpected. But sometimes in life, you got to take a risk and just go for it. Every character needed to go with an actor and although it may seem easy from a distance, it was far from it. I was literally on the ground contemplating what could go wrong. At the end of the night, I knew I could rest because I strongly believe that what I decided on was the right choice. Sure, I probably hurt some people's feelings, but it's only temporary. Life is what you make of it and you can only control how you react. I love my cast and my crew with every ounce of my heart and I cannot wait to get started with rehearsals in a couple of days! If I were to give any advice on how to handle auditions, let me say that it's not going to go exactly how you planned, but it's going to speed by you and before you think about what's going on, it's over. I realize now that everything that happened on that night resulted in all I wanted. Happiness and confidence in my production. I couldn't ask for anything more. So through all of the scenes and monologues and people I interacted with, in the end, it was unexpectedly expected.
The quote for this week I found when looking for inspirational quotes that relate to everything working out and not worrying about things that you have no control over. I believe that I will need this quote throughout this process and never lose my optimism. I am a natural worrier so I already can envision myself down the road stressed out about a different problem at hand, but I cannot forget how much I have accomplished already. Everything that I do, that my actors do, or that my crew does will be all worth it in the end and result in one amazing show that I wish would never end. For now, I just need to start reviewing my rehearsal schedules and ensuring that I stay organized and prepared for each and every time I meet with this group of people. Until next time!
"Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best" ~ Anonymous
Ready or Not
I have spent the majority of my winter break proofreading/reformatting my writing, creating rehearsal plans/schedules, buying materials that will definitely be used for color-coding, and mentally preparing myself for what's heading my way. After a year and a half with the Hilltop Players, I can say with confidence that I have learned so much about how productions work in general and what makes a show successful. For my personal benefit, I have been writing out a specific plan for each day we have a scheduled rehearsal and exactly what I want to mention to the actors at certain points to hopefully guide them in the right direction. The keyword is hopefully. I can only hope that my countless hours of preparation pay off and that everything will run smoothly, but with years of experience in theater, I know that things hardly work out exactly how you originally thought. One of the qualities I hope to never lose, especially while directing, is optimism. The mindset that even if things are going poorly, there's always a bright side, something to make it all worth it. I am making a goal for myself to remain level-headed and understanding when issues arise to limit wasted time. That's why I have been a bit overboard with how much I have thought about, so that way if something doesn't work out, there will be something else to focus on.
Planning and staying organized is something I strongly believe is manageable and as of now, I feel good about those skills, which should limit the amount of error. However, an issue that continuously floats in my brain is how I want to be as a director. People know me in Hilltop. I have had the privilege of working on multiple shows as mainly a stage manager and I have loved every second of it and as far as I can tell, people love working with me. In a perfect world, nothing would make me happier than going into directing without really thinking about exactly how I am going to be, but there is an issue with that. I am all about consistency so I would never want to be extremely flexible or easy-going about something, but then change my mood to more close-minded depending on what I wanted. So, I have to determine if I want to let my actors be independent and trust their instincts or flip that and limit their input to allow me to give them insight. My solution is to find a middle ground and stay that way throughout the whole process. I want to be understanding and listen to what my actors prefer, while also keeping in mind what I envision. I am not used to making decisions on my own or having the final say, so it might be a little unusual at first, but I think it will prove to be beneficial in the end. I have to find the courage I know I have to trust myself and my intuition because this production is going to start very soon, whether I am ready or not.
The only person I can strongly predict that will get in my way for the next couple of months is myself. There will be times where I planned everything and the rehearsal is going how I want, but the back of my brain will try to convince me I could be doing more. or doing it a different way, but in most cases, that is irrational. I need to remember that everything happens for a reason and even if it seems like it's not what was supposed to be in the moment, I could look back on it down the road, and realize it was exactly what I needed. Thank you for making it this far in the post and please know that it was not meant to scare you out of pushing yourself to try new things. I think my biggest issue is that when I know what's coming, I get more stressed waiting for it and once I am in it, it gets much better. For now, I will continue to plan and think through every potential issue until the very last minute before it's actually happening. The quote for this week has been one of my favorites for so long and I think it is something I have to constantly remind myself. I am going to put 100% of my effort into this show, but even if it's not perfect, I should be so proud of myself for taking a risk and doing something not everyone gets a chance to do. Until next time!
"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." ~ Les Brown
It all comes down to this.
In a few days, everything I have been working on for the last several months has to be submitted to a group of people that will decide if it is good enough. For those of you unfamiliar with the Framingham State's theater organization, let me explain. Known as the Hilltop Players, we are almost entirely student-run with a few exceptions. We strive to put on one musical and one play as well as various events like Improvisation nights and dance shows throughout one semester. In order to direct a show, you must create a proposal with everything that goes on during a production. Lights, sounds, costumes, props, set plans, a summary of the show, fundraising/publicity ideas, who will be on your production staff, helping you along the way and why you want to do this. For me, it was just a little more complicated because as scary as directing sounded, I knew it was something I have always wanted to do. So, the first step to potentially direct a play is choosing which one to perform and I knew it had to be something that not only I would enjoy working on, but that would be popular enough to get auditioners excited as well as being approved for the HIlltop Players' stage. This is where it gets interesting. There was a unique chance that I could take, but the amount of stress that would come my way was piled high. However, through a month or so of squandering, I finally decided that the only show that would fulfill everything I hoped for would be if I wrote it from scratch. Crazy I know. There were many moments that I wanted to turn back and forget I even thought about this in the first place, but then I thought of all of the reasons I wanted to direct and show off my new piece of work. The positives would always outweigh the negatives. It has not been easy by any means through drafts and rewrites and scrapped ideas, but I can finally say I am confident in it.
On Tuesday, my proposal and in my case, my script is due; it's going to be so strange allowing someone else read what's been in my brain for almost a year. Then, on Saturday, my production staff and I will meet with the elected students known as the Proposal Committee and they are allowed to ask any questions or bring up any concerns they may have. That part might be the most difficult because I know both my script and my proposal so well, I could read it backwards, but now they have a chance to rip it apart and throw questions at me that I was not prepared for. That all being said, I am stressed and nervous about what's lying ahead, but I know I am capable. I know that I have the best stage manager and producer by my side. I know that I have worked so extremely hard for this next week and I know what I am talking about. I have been through many proposal meetings in the past, but never have I led the pack. I have done everything I can. It all comes down to this.
I hope this is not the last you hear from me; my plan is to start posting on a weekly basis starting in January if my play does get approved. I hope to look back on myself and probably laugh while also providing others who would like to direct one day to see what someone's experience has been like. from the very beginning to the last performance. I will end all of my posts with a quote. I chose this one to put at the end of my proposal, which means it is an accurate representation of my situation currently. Until next time!
"If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary." ~ Jim Rohn