It's okay.
This week started like any other. Writing in my red notebook about how I want the night's rehearsal to go and think of any potential questions or concerns that may come up, but I don't think any amounts of preparation could prepare me for what was coming. I had an amazing time at rehearsal with my full cast and crew. My stage manager, Sam Collette was able to show off her true talent and put our motivated crew to work! My actors were ready to perform like they always are and continue to impress me with their willingness to work on a show that I wrote. Life was so good, and it still is, but it's hard to look back on that time when we were just so unaware of the future.
Once Wednesday approached, the panic and chaos was upon us. The president sent out an email stating that our spring break will be extended for another week. I wouldn't let that influence my attitude though. Yes, we would be missing two rehearsals, but we still had plenty of time to accomplish a lot so my plan going forward was to address the stress and understand if actors/crew didn't feel safe to go to rehearsal, but otherwise, we were going to push through and keep on working. Wednesday's rehearsal was so hard. I had another amazing time and enjoyed every second of it. But I feel the need to make a long speech emphasizing to not let this define the connections and friendships we've made along the way. Although I still had some hope that this wasn't the last time we'd all be together, it was still hard to ignore the huge metaphorical rain cloud approaching us.
I had to start my morning on Friday with a meeting with someone who was going to tell us the future of our shows. Nervous and stressed is an understatement. I couldn't let myself get too upset before heading into the meeting because I just didn't know, but at the same time, I couldn't let myself get too optimistic because I just didn't know. As you know by now, the news was not what we were hoping for. We were grasping onto any possibility, any alternative, anything to allow us to still have our shows in a month. He looked so unhopeful and so devasted for us, and I keep on wondering if there is any other way that we aren't seeing.
A lot of my friends and family tell me to just push the production back until the fall. But there are so many complications in that, not only as an organization but for me personally. I have such an academically stressful semester coming up and I don't want to overwhelm myself. As amazing as directing is, it's a lot of work and I don't know if I can put myself in that position with my schoolwork also being so demanding. Also, Hilltop is all about encouraging people to go out of their comfort zones, and directing was that for me and now that I've had my chance, even if it didn't end properly, I don't want to take that opportunity away from someone else. So my tentative solution is if we do end up returning to campus in two weeks, no one can stop us from continuing rehearsals. Although we might not have an audience or fundraisers on April 16th, we could still potentially put on a show without an audience and record the whole show and share that video with the world. That is the best-case scenario at this point, but even that is very up in the air.
No one knows where this stupid virus is heading and there's a very strong possibility FSU won't let anyone back on campus and resort to online classes for the remainder of the semester. If that's the case, The Love Star will be officially over... or will it? The Love Star started as an idea, which then turned into a rough draft, into more drafts and then finally a final script. That script was proposed to be a Hilltop Players Production. That potential proposal turned into a reality and that production was to be performed in April. But it's more than that. The Love Star turned into a family. From every crew member to every person in the cast, we are a family. And no matter how much I did plan, I could have never created the connections that were made. That's because of every single unique and incredible person in my production. Despite my hours and hours spent on this project, this was not what I expected to be typing out the week before spring break. I have had my anger and sadness and frustration all come out in these past couple of days, but I know, now more than ever that it's okay.
As I said, The Love Star family will never die, even if we cannot perform, which is what we have been working so hard for. After sending them the sad news, I asked that they respond with their favorite part of the production and that is what makes all of the pain a little less painful. So many responses included what I've discussed. A lot mentioned new friends being made or that the community they felt while at rehearsal or just an overall positive note about what they learned throughout the process. I am still not really accepting the devasting fact, but I cannot ignore the happiness I have gained from this experience. I have learned more than I expected, I have done more than I expected and I have loved more than expected. The quote for this week speaks for itself. As I wrote in my first ever blog post, way back in October, I hope this is not the last you hear from me. Please send some positive vibes to everyone in this family and keep an eye out for a script (or if we are lucky a video) in the next couple of weeks!
